I watched a very interesting documentary last night about the different styles of parenting. It was a lady called Cherry who had done the documentary and she had a small child of her own Coco. As with any new mum, she imagined that her daughter would grow up into being a normal well balanced child, perhaps privately educated (as her surroundings suggested she could afford it) she would have good manners, no tantrums, she would be part of a "family " unit ie two parents living together.
However i think her bubble was burst after visiting several families and witnessing the reality of what it could turn out to be.
As a parent, you always want the best for your children, but they dont come with an instruction manual. The only people we have to learn from are our own parents and in my case, both of my parents were no great role models and I absolutely wanted to break that mould and not repeat their mistakes.
My parents stayed together far too long and i witnessed things I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, i had to grow up far too quickly and became a parent to my parent.
I only stayed married for 3 years, sometimes i wonder if i could have stuck at it longer, but at the time i witnessed images from my husband that took me back to my grim childhood and at that moment i knew i wasn't going to repeat the pattern for my boys and so he was out!!
However i wasn't prepared for becoming a solo parent and by that i mean doing it solo, no weekend visits to daddy, or his parents for support... no just me
This was a much bigger challenge than i thought... I still dont know if i have done my best for my children or if i could have done things differently or better. Is it my fault that my boys dont have a father? should i have stayed married?
I guess il never know the answers...
Watching the programme last night also reminded me that there is no rule book, none of us no what we are doing, we can read books, watch films, ask for advice & just bumble our way through. We all do it so differently.
There was a real mix of people on the programme and one in particular i could relate to , that is because it was single lady with a teenager... (any parent of a teenager has probably just taken a sharp intake of breath) They are your worst nightmare.
There was a two parent family that gave their youngsters "time out" literally outside in the dark if they didn't go to bed nicely, they also smacked their children. Another lady worked all night as a lap dancer and earned sometimes up to £2k a night, she bought her kids everything under the sun, but hasn't yet worked out, all that kids want is their mum.
Another single mum, was into an alternative lifestyle so home schooled her kids, they were allowed to get up when they wanted, they lived near the beach so had a lot of outdoor time & fresh air, they were very relaxed kids (too relaxed??)
The poor mother of the teenager, really brought a tear to my eye as i could not only see her anguish and pain but could feel every bit of it. The feeling of ... what the fuck is this all about... and someone please HELP me ...
Its heartbreaking having a delinquent teenager, they really test you and know just how to make you feel a failure as a parent. I have one and I have found very little help out there for us parents, there are loads of baby groups, toddler groups, but no teenager ones, the problems dont begin when they can walk, talk and have a full set of teeth, they are just beginning.
Doing it with a bit of support from their father would of course given me a bit of rest bite from time to time & made me feel like i wasnt a failure on my own. This inistself is actually a ridiculous statement, given their fathers (yes they have one each) are not in their lives, granted one is now sadly dead, but he wasnt much cop when he was alive. The next one (my ex husband) well what can i say about him, i dont need to say much the fact that he doesn't see our children and has repeatedly shown he has no intention of doing so pretty much sums up his failures so, I am here (in body anyway) battling on alone, supporting my boys financially & emotionally.
Its for sure the hardest job i have ever had to do and have to admit that i am secretly on a countdown for when my eldest Josh leaves school next spring and this nightmare will be over, but i guess that is also the start of another one, once he leaves home and has his own Independence, i then have no control over his life and what he can & cant do, which is pretty scary, drunken binges, teenage pregnancy, driving a car, holidays in Ibiza, I just want to hide under my duvet & wake up when he is 30.
Its not all bad actually, again looking at others around me and seeing their kids, he has turned out to be a very handsome & mature young man, very streetwise, very business savvy, I have no doubt that he will make something of his life and make money, it just wont be as a result of an education. He loves his mummy really i know that, it comes through on the odd occasion, which i cling to dearly as that makes all the horrid times worth while.
He is a fantastic brother to my younger son. He is very respectful of his elders ie his elderly great grandparents, so he knows how to behave when he is not in my company & for that i know I have done something right.
My younger son is growing fast now too and starts high school this year, so I am nervous that just as I recover from my eldest it may be a case of take a deep breath and here we go again. Im quite confident that I wont be, dont get me wrong he has the odd teenage tantrum now, but not on the scale of his brother, he is also the most angelic child you could ever meet, he also has very good manners & social skills. I can take my boys anywhere and know they will behave and wont embarrass me, they have been fortunate enough to eat in excellent restaurant's and have nice holidays and to mix in good cirlces.
On the whole I am very proud of my boys & whilst this period of our lives has been challenging and at times heart wrenching, i wouldn't ever be without them and am thankful I have them every day (ok not every day)
My next challenge is to do something for the teenage parents of this world... watch this space.
